Title: The Big Tits Dragon

Also known as:
Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5
Big Tits Zombie
Big Tits Zombies: Boobs To Die For
DD Dragon
Nippon Splatterotics 1
The Big Tits Dragon 3-D
The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies vs Strippers 5

Year: 2010

Genre: Horror / Comedy

Language: Japanese

Runtime: 73 min

Director: Takano Nakano

Writer: Takao Nakano, Rei Mikamoto

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1642252/


Plot:
In a small dance parlor located in a tiny town in Japan, an evil is lying in wait. When the dancers at the club head to the basement they discover the owner is into collecting items of the occult and the one item that catches their interest is the Necronomicon: the Book of the Dead. What is passed off as junk, they begin to read from the book and end up bringing the dead back to life. It's the battle of the century: Asian strippers versus the undead!

Our thoughts:
I am an idiot. A goddamn moron. Why, you ask? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I LOATH these modern Japanese-camp movies: "Machine Girl", "Tokyo Gore Police", "Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead", etc. Outside of "Meatball Machine", (the only movie out of the bunch that doesn't suck shit through a straw) I cannot stand any of these movies. They try way to hard to be something that they're not. They seem to come from the Tarantino School of Filmmaking since most of them are composed of scenes and ideas lifted from other movies, and in general, they tend to fail at everything they attempt to achieve. Especially at being entertaining.

So how does this relate to me being an idiot? Quite simply really; even though all that ranting above is how I have felt about these movies ever since I saw "Tokyo Gore Police" I still, in all of my infinite wisdom, decided to watch the three "Nippon Splatterotics" movies. Lapse of judgment? Not likely. i think I was just looking to be miserable, and hey, wouldn't you know, I accomplished that goal.

"The Big Tits Dragon" is the first "Nippon Splatterotics" movie and has been the goddamn worst movie I have seen from these trendy camp flicks. Didn't think I was ever going to see anything take that title away from "Machine Girl". Plot: In the basement in a small strip club in a small town - the strippers discover a copy of the Necronomicon and unleash a wave of the undead. The strippers ban together in order to fight to stay alive! All except for the gal who is in the gothic-lolita getup; she plans on ruling the world with her army of the undead.

Based on a manga series - "Big Tits Dragon" manages to suck the life right out of the viewer with possibly one of the laziest efforts put forth by a movie. Filled to the brim with CGI gore, terrible purposeful bad acting, a comedy element that's more dead than the zombies themselves and bullshit self-aware moments. The movie is praised for it's criticism and ribbing of a genre culture and in general, is given more credit for being clever then what it actually deserves.

Sorry, but being shitty on purpose isn't clever.

Like so many other homage and self-referencing based movies, "Big Tits Dragon" manages to trip over its own stupidity and fall flat on its face every step of the way. It's one of those movies that thinks it can reproduce the charm and entertainment value of a b-movie by being as bad and terrible as it can be on purpose. Instead it just makes for a bad movie that is desperately trying to be something that it can never be. Why? Because it lacks everything that makes those movies, the real b-movies, good and entertaining. They can try to emulate them as much as possible but they'll never be as good because of one simple factor: They are not trying to be good movies. They aren't trying to be good movies but don't have the means to accomplish that goal. "Big Tits Dragon" is just a shitty movie trying to be an ironically shitty movie by hitting on all the cliches that it can.

Why this movie in particular failed so badly and why it pissed me off as much as it did was because it appears no effort was put into it. It feels like the Japanese equivalent of "Isle of the Damned". Oh hey, let's be really stupid here, put no effort here, mimic that one movie here and as a result we'll have this super funny and clever movie! The movie offers nothing. Not a goddamn thing to make it worth the time spent watching it. The humor is completely lost, the violence and gore is pathetic, and unless Asian women are what you're into - the nudity won't even hold your interest. To hell with this waste of time!


Positive things:
- Nothing.
Negative things:
- Because of this movie I hate life just a little bit more.
- How many more shitty horror movies need to be made that involve strippers before people realize they don't work as a plot point?

Rating:
Gore: 1.5/5
Nudity: 2/5
Story: 2/5
Effects: 1.5/5
Comedy: 1/5

We bought this movie from:
Amazon.uk

Reviewed by:
Preston




 

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