Title: Breeders

Also known as:

Year: 1997

Genre: Sci-fi / Horror

Language: English

Runtime: 93 min

Director: Paul Matthews

Writer: Paul Matthews

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0162211/

A Boston college campus is the crashsite of a meteorite that brought a horryfing beast from space with it. An arts teacher is the only one who knows what this monster wants - someone to mate with.

Our thoughts:
I feel sore in my face. Is my face red? I think it might be, as I have been facepalming for 90 minutes straight with this "Breeders" flick playing. Don't confuse this with Tim Kincaid's "Breeders", although only real monster cheese fans would watch either of them, and probably SHOULD watch both. I'm one myself, and that's why I cursed my collection by purchasing this horrible little man-in-suit horror. Is it fair of me to write a grumpy review when I pretty much knew exactly what I was going into? Of course it is, I'm a critic - there's no logic in what I do and say! So, please, let me revisit the 90 minute facepalm in my mind and load you with expectations!

It starts off with possible the worst opening credits sequence ever created. This is no joke, even a neon green Comic Sans font on bright yellow background would look better than this shit. The background consists of space and a meteorite, constructed with horrible 90's CGI, and the text reminds me of the logos made at Cooltext.com. I was blown away by how poor this opening was, so what the hell could I expect from the movie after this? Luckily, not even the actual movie can be as bad as this opening, so I can only hope they fired and severely beat the guy who made that sequence.

The story here is of no originality, but amusing all the same. A meteorite crashes by a college campus in Boston, and an alien is now roaming the area. But not only that, a strange woman with a scar on her face (she was burned by the meteorite) in very little clothing (looks that are possibly inspired by "Xena: Warrior Princess") arrives with the meteorite as well. The intentions of the alien are quite clear to an arts teacher - the alien must be here to find someone to mate with. That's where that silly scarred woman comes into the picture: she was abducted, and is now carrying the eggs of the alien. This is explained in a horrible moment of dialogue: "I'm not pregnant, I'm just carrying his eggs" (or something like that). Obviously none of this matters, nor does it really make sense most of the time, as it's only made to give us some man-in-suit action.

Ignoring the shitty dialogue scattered through-out the movie (especially the small talk between cops during their alien hunt), the typical TV movie-esque acting common in the 90's low budget field, panty-sniffing and other failed attempts at making a sexy horror, there's a lot of monster action going on. That also means that we get to see the monster a lot. To no surprise, the monster is essentially a mix of older movies. Why is that always the case? It can't be THAT hard to make something original. In this case it's taking from "Pumpkinhead" and "Alien" in particular, but I am fine with how it looks. It's not CGI, and that's all that matters. It's the clunky, rubbery and slightly fat cousin of "Pumpkinhead", and it's the one thing that makes "Breeders" a fun watch for monster cheese fanatics. It's all I ever wanted when I saw the cover of the movie, so thankfully it delivered that at least. It looks pretty good considering andif you like what you see on the front cover then that's exactly what you get. Finally a front cover is an accurate representation of the fucking movie!

"Breeders" is shit. Its attempts to being cool and sexy are cringeworthy, there is not a moment of dialogue that isn't forced, and it lacks all kinds of style. I highly doubt it came from a good script to begin with considering the shitty dialogue, but it certainly doesn't help when the acting is shamelessly shallow and boring as well. It's something I'd recommend to the biggest fans of cheesy alien rip-offs, since at least it offers a stupid man-in-suit monster. Beware of the worst opening sequence I have ever seen (technical-wise) and load up with a ton of friends, beer and snacks. Maybe a book, your smartphone, a laptop, pen and paper, a quiz and most importantly: headphone, for whenever the monster isn't on screen. I don't feel safe knowing I have Paul Matthews' previous movie "Grim" to look foward to.

Positive things:
- It's a man-in-suit monster that, as usual, looks like a hybrid of better movie monsters!
- Would be fun to watch with friends.
- Some nudity. Phew!
Negative things:
- That fucking opening!
- Horrible sound work through the entire thing.
- Dialogue, small talk especially, is just horrid.
- I can only imagine that the look of the woman was inspired by "Xena: Warrior Princess" and similar.
- Adding a sexy tone in any way possible is not always good.

Gore: 1/5
Nudity: 1/5
Story: 1/5
Effects: 2/5
Comedy: 1/5

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