Title: Granny

Also known as:

Year: 1999

Genre: Horror

Runtime: 58 min

Director: Boris Pavlovsky

Writer: Sava Popovic, Boris Pavlovsky, Tomi

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0225899/

With graduation looming, a group of college friends get together for a night to celebrate their common bond of having an obsession with the macabre. A new woman is set to join the group but plans change when a deranged killer dressed as an old woman shows up to the party and starts picking the friends off one by one.

Our thoughts:
The following review is brought to you by The Spoiler Foundation because we plan on spoiling the fuck out of the this movie for you. Enjoy.

Not to be confused with the 1995 movie "The Granny" - "Granny" is one of the many direct-to-video movies to come out in 1999 and it was released by Dead Alive Productions. I'm sure most VHS fans know who that company is. Now because it came out in the late 90's it's always a crapshoot as to what kind of horror movie you're going to get: Are you going to get something good or are you going to get a "Scream" teen influenced crapfest?

Unfortunately for me, the latter is what I got. "Granny" features a group of young fresh faces right out of college who live for the ghastly and the gruesome. During one of their meetings, one of the friends (I don't remember any of the character's names. I also didn't give a shit.) sends the rest away while he setups a "scene" to demonstrate one of his "phobias". The group comes back to the home, and wouldn't you know it, there's a maniac wearing a granny mask on the loose that's picking the friends off one by one.

So scary! I think I may have just poo'ed a little!

It's typical slasher fodder. Not any worse than any other slasher movie that's come out since the 80's, but sure as hell not any better either. Actually, what makes this movie bad is that it makes no goddamn sense. Logic does not exist in this dojo! As I warned you, I'm going to spoil this entire movie for you: All of it, everything that goes on in the movie, is an initiation prank for the newest member of the group. So everything that happens, everything that you watch, doesn't actually happen. So why the fuck am I watching it happen? Yeah, I know "April Fool's Day" did the same thing but for some reason it seems way fucking dumber in "Granny".

As an example:
One of the girls, who is in on the prank, runs out the door screaming her head off after one of the friends is "killed". She runs into the woods and is being chased by the killer, naturally, but then the killer disappears into the darkness. After running for awhile, the killer pops up from underneath a pile of dirt and leaves (right where the girl is walking, no less) and then proceeds to "kill" her too.

Let's break this down as to why this doesn't work and why it makes this movie seem like a half-retarded mongoloid that's missing a couple chromosomes:

 - For the general chase and catch to work, it would require two of the friends to be dressed up as the killer. Who were the killers? If everyone else is pretending to be a victim or a dead body, who does that leave to play not only one killer but two? Let alone one that has to go out and be buried. They're in a typical suburban home, so anybody trying to sneak out certainly would have been spotted doing so.

 - If this is all being done for the initiation of a new member, who's back at the house and not seeing any of this go down, why are we seeing it? If the person this stunt is being done for isn't around, why spend the time and energy setting up the "kill scene" if there's no audience? Why not just run out the door only to pop up again as a dead body?

Any explanation that you can come up with basically kills some other part of the movie making way for another plot hole and another example of the utterly failed logic. There are other examples of the amazing stupidity that occurs in this movie (don't even get me started on that ending) but that scene in particular stuck with me after the movie was over. Since I was stuck arguing with myself trying to figure how and why they would do that for no other reason than to "trick" the viewer. The trick, or rather the "twist", is more than obvious and any viewer will already know what it is once they know who these characters are and why they are getting together. So not only is it being stupid, it's being stupid for no good reason.

But I digress, all ridiculous stupidity aside, I still had fun watching this movie. In the 58 minutes of total-retardation, the movie struct a chord of nostalgia. It's a dumb reason to like a movie, but truth be told, I've liked other movies for worse reasons. "Granny" is a bad and unbelievably stupid movie (I really can't get over or properly explain to you how fucking dumb this movie is.) yet I still found some entertainment in watching it. I imagine watching it with friends would have been a whole lot better, but because I watch movies like "Granny", I have no friends.  'Tis a vicious cycle. 

I can't give a real reason as to why I was able to enjoy watching "Granny" (Maybe the stupidity is contagious?) since everything about it should make me want to rip it from my player and throw it in the trash. Yet here I am, bashing it while I say I liked it. For anyone else I would say don't watch this movie. Don't even consider watching this movie. There's nothing in it for you. You have too much to live for. Don't throw it all away for an awful movie that came out in '99, it's just not worth it. If you do watch it, well then you're an idiot. Just like me.

Positive things:
- I have no idea. I'm beginning to think I blacked out and all of this is nothing more than a fever dream.
Negative things:
- SO goddamn dumb. There is no logic to be found anywhere.
- Not sure how I managed to have "fun" watching this movie. I think it used a voodoo curse on me.
- I have no proof but I'm positive this is actually a foreign based movie. None of the "actors" seemed like they were comfortable with the English language.

Gore: 1/5
Nudity: 0/5
Story: 1.5/5
Effects: 1/5
Comedy: 1/5

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