Title: Guns of El Chupacabra

Also known as:

Year: 1997

Genre: Comedy / Action / Sci-Fi / Horror

Language: English

Runtime: 90 min

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Writer: Donald G. Jackson, Scott Shaw

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0286668/

Space Sheriff Jack B. Quick is sent through time to stop the El Chupacabra.

Our thoughts:
Derp: "We have a collection of 35mm short ends, a camera, a monster suit, a shit load of guns and bullets. What should we do?"
Durr: "Let's make a movie!"
Derp: "But there's no script. It'll take months if not years to get something ready to film."
Durr: "That's not important. We have the only things that matter and phone numbers of people who will work on any movie. So let's start shooting! Everything else is trivial."
Derp: "Won't it be hard to make a movie that makes sense if we don't know what we're making?"
Durr: "Again, that doesn't matter. We'll come up with a reason why the movie doesn't make sense and call what we're doing a 'film movement' and it'll excuse anything that doesn't work."
Derp: "Brilliant! Let's do it!"

That make-believe conversation is what I assume transpired before "Guns of El Chupacabra" was made. I can't be certain, obviously, but I'm pretty sure it's close to what happened. The movie is made under the banner of Zen Filmmaking; a filmmaking "style" created by Scott Shaw and Donald G. Jackson that is centered on the concept of making a movie with no script. Supposedly it results in allowing a movie to function in a non-linear fashion without being bogged down with unnecessary elements. What it actually resulted in was a waste of celluloid.

I don't know how I managed to get so lucky to watch "Unnaturally Born Killer" and "Guns of El Chupacabra", two of the most nonsensical movies I've seen, in the same week. Oh, that's right, because I don't know when NOT to watch a movie. "Guns of El Chupacabra" rubbed me the wrong way because it literally is the result of people having things that you use in a movie and they believed that's all that they needed. They call it "Zen Filmmaking"; a pretentious attempt to justify a movie where two guys were making a so-called movie for fun and nothing else. I'm sure it is zen like to make a movie if you're willing to churn out any rubbish, regardless of its quality. And that's fine -- people should make something for fun if they can. To try and justify it with bullshit and make it seem like something that it's not is where it becomes a problem.

I know I'm taking a junk film way too seriously but like I said, had the people behind "Guns of El Chupacabra" just said, "Hey, were making this movie because we can and were just going to have fun doing it." I would have been absolutely okay with that. Probably still would have watched the movie too. But it irks me when people try to make it into something else -- make it seem more important than it is. "Guns of El Chupabacra" is not a movie; there is no story or coherency in the movie. There are lots of moments that feature people shooting guns at nothing, people walking around, people meeting up with other people then walking away from each other. It has some guy in a decently sculpted monster costume but it is shown as nothing but a costume. There is a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor where they poke fun of themselves and movies in general. At the end of the day, it is nothing more than nonsense. It is a product of people fucking around yet they have the audacity to call "Guns of El Chupacabra" a movie and expect me to consider it one as well.

I guess I'm just annoyed with the movie because it does feel like I wasted my time. It felt like a random, bonus goodie on DVD -- something the director put together, for fun, using excess footage. At no point does it feel like a real movie since everything that it needed to be fun and be enjoyable (anything that would make it feel like I didn't just piss away 90 minutes) is missing. There are some things in this world that can't be saved by Joe Estevez.

Positive things:
- I didn't buy both "Guns of El Chupacabra" and "Guns of El Chupacabra 2: The Unseen" at the same time like I was planning on.
Negative things:
- It's not a movie. It's people fucking around with a camera and guns.
- Did I mention that it's not a movie?
- Supposedly the movie cost 3.5 million dollars. I have no idea what they could have possibly spent that money on.
- I paid $25 for the DVD. Why? Because nobody else is willing to buy this movie so I couldn't find it used.

Gore: 0/5
Nudity: 2.5/5
Story: 0/5
Effects: 0.5/5
Comedy: 0/5

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