Simon and his son, Paul, return from Peru after discovering a tiny creature inside an ancient temple. Simon has to head out of town and leaves Paul in charge of watching over the creature but Simon's twin brother, Cecil, has plans of his own and kidnaps the monster. After being dismembered, the creature multiplies and regenerates. Now there are half a dozen of these vicious monsters on the loose and terrorizing a small town.
"Munchies" is a movie I've been meaning to return to for the longest time because I enjoyed it quite a bit as a kid. I enjoyed it enough that I remember renting it several times even though couldn't remember anything regarding the actual movie itself. Well, I vividly recall the ending with a car driving off into a lightning storm that let the viewer know that this wasn't truly the end…It's because of that ending that I had engraved the idea into my brain that, not only was "Munchies" a horror movie, but a great one!
So, almost 20 years later (if not longer), I finally sat down to watch "Munchies". To relive a glorious moment from my childhood when I actually enjoyed movies and when spending an entire weekend watching them wasn't sad and pathetic. However, that didn't happen. Upon re-watching "Munchies" I learned two things: One, I was an unbelievably stupid child. Two, I hate everything. I especially hate everything now that I have sat and watched this goddamn movie as an adult.
Simon Watterman and his son, Paul, are down in Peru investigating ancient ruins when they come across Arnold -- a tiny and unusual creature that could help prove Simon's theory of space aliens helping in creating civilization. When they arrive back home, Simon's twin brother, Cecil Watterman, sees the creature as an opportunity to finally get his brother kicked out of his home and to also make a fortune off the creature. After Cecil and his step-son kidnap Arnold, and end up chopping him in half, the creature multiplies and comes back to life -- giving birth to the Munchies. Now the Munchies are on the loose and terrorizing the town and only Paul and his girlfriend, Cindy, can stop them.
I get it. I get it. "Munchies" is suppose to be a schlocky "Gremlins" cash-in. I get that it is from the '80s, that it doesn't take itself seriously and it is suppose to be mindless entertainment for kids who were probably too young to watch something like "Gremlins". Of course they did anyway and are now obsessed with movies about small monsters.
I don't care.
"Munchies" is still terrible and it is still a piece of shit. It is so unbearably awful that it makes me wish my inner-child was a real child, so I could drown it for creating a sense of nostalgia for "Munchies" and for ever thinking that this was a good movie.
The movie has maintained a some-what cult following over the years which, in a way, had a helping hand in me thinking I could enjoy the movie as an adult. But no. No. No. No. No. I wasn't able to enjoy "Munchies" as an adult because nobody who made it or worked on it cared. There's nothing fun about it; it is nothing more than a product of people who were trying to cash-in on the popularity and success of an actual good movie, and at no point did anyone making "Munchies" try to hide this fact. And the reason for that is because this movie was intended for kids and everyone knows kids are idiots -- they're not going to notice this kind of bullshit -- and I'm living proof of that fact!
I didn't think it was possible to hate myself anymore than I already do, yet, here I am. Sitting alone in an empty room with only the quiet hum of a computer to keep me company while I think, "God, how could you allow a child to live who could like such an awful movie and repeatedly spend his parent's money on renting it?"
But I digress. The fact that nobody who was a part of the production cared is the only real reason why I didn't find it fun watching "Munchies". Because the production team couldn't be bothered to find any fucks to give, it created this black hole where all logic and joy was completely sucked out of the movie. Only leaving vast emptiness of ineptitude. For example, the moment where Dude -- yes, they couldn't even be bothered to give the character a proper fucking name -- had headphones on while listening to music and the Munchies turned the volume all the way up on his stereo, killing him as a result...
I'll give you moment to let that sink in.
The Munchies turned up the volume on the stereo and because Dude had headphones on, it killed him. He wasn't bound. The headphones were not stapled to his head. He could have taken them off at anytime, but no. He just keeps the headphones on and dies. The only way you can create a moment which is THAT profoundly stupid is when you absolutely do not give a shit about what you're doing.
I wish that was the only moment of stupidity in the movie, but oh no. Fuck no. The rampant idiocy is stretched from beginning to end with each scene somehow being more moronic than the last. For example, like how not one single person is surprised when they come across the Munchies. Or why Arnold suddenly mutated and became vicious because he was poked with a pool cue. Maybe we should just pretend it makes sense that Paul's dad just happens to have the one book in his personal library that gives away all the ancient secrets of what the Munchies are and how to stop them. Surely we won't think too hard about that moment where Cindy suddenly decides to do a "strip" routine to distract the recently multiplied and armed Munchies so Paul can trap them. And have it work even though there was nothing to indicate that these monsters are attracted to human women, let alone even know what stripping is to be aroused by it! We'll also completely ignore the fact that Paul thought the best way of dealing with a group of monsters armed with a shotgun, is to put a goddamn rubber trash can on top of them!
Oh, gee, thanks, Paul. I'm sure that'll do the trick, you massive bellend. I hope some day you can save me from shitty knock-off monsters too! Do everyone a favor and go get eaten already, Paul.
I'm going to guess that there's probably no reason to go into how mind numbingly irritating it was that the Munchies talked like they were from the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" franchise. Because attempting to cash in on the "Gremlins" isn't nearly enough. No, we have to try to ride on the popularity of those damn turtles too! Never mind that these creatures are from goddamn South America, yet speak English! One of the creatures even goes so far as to say, "We're the Munchies, dude!"
You know what? Fuck everything. Just fuck it.
"You're still taking this too seriously! It's just a fun, stupid movie."
Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your excuses. I'm an adult; I pay bills and shit. I don't have time for a movie that needs excuses to justify its existence. Is "Munchies" the worst movie I've ever seen? No. Far from it, as a matter of fact. However, "Munchies" is both painfully and awkwardly inept -- even for a kid's movie -- and it was soul crushing to discover this when all I wanted was a fun trip down memory lane.
"Look what arrived," I said excitedly to myself. "Oh joyous of joys! Don't you remember how much we enjoyed this movie as a child? Oh the laughs that will be had watching this again."
The joy and the laughs would never come though. Instead all that is left after watching "Munchies" is an empty shell of what was my former self. That shell now exists with only the purpose to serve as a painful reminder that nostalgia can be dangerous.