It's 1310 and a group of Templar knights are killed after the villagers they were terrorizing rise up and revolt. Jump to 1976; a young woman, Miranda, is living in the small town that exists where the village did and she eerily looks like the young woman the Templars accused of witchcraft and brutally murdered. It looks like history is about to repeat itself as those same knights have risen from the grave and are looking for a sacrifice.
Well, here we are. Again. The end result of another poor fucking decision on my part. I swore after I finished going through the "Fantom Kiler" series that I'd never sit through another Teraz Production again. Then Vick Campbell's "El Retorno de los Templarious" or, "Graveyard of the Dead", was released. Looking at the movie, logic and reason told me no, but my perpetual desire to watch anything said yes.
I said to myself, It'll be different! It's not giallo-slasher inspired movie. It's a "Blind Dead" inspired movie so it can't be as bad as "Fantom Kiler".
Suffice to say, I'm a goddamn moron.
So what is "El Retorno de los Templarious" about, you're probably NOT asking yourself? In 1310, a group of Templar Knights rome through Spain torturing and murdering villagers in search of a witch. Eventually the villagers revolt and kill the Templars and try to bury the horrible past. Now it's 1976 and Jorge arrives into town searching for his sister, Miranda. Miranda seems to be out of her mind but Jorge doesn't understand why. Attempting to reach her, she recoils and runs away to a party out in the woods. A party that is interrupted by the resurrected corpses of the Templars.
Now "El Retorno de los Templarious" is not actually a Teraz production, they are merely the distributors of this low-budget and independent feature. However, "El Retorno de los Templarious" has the exact same quality that other Teraz films have -- and by that I mean none -- but without the use of naked women to distract the viewer from how awful the movie is. Nope, instead the viewer gets to wallow in the awkwardly inept "El Retorno de los Templarious" without the aide of any cheap thrills, such as gore or nudity. Even at a runtime of 70 minutes, it felt like it took an entire day to watch "El Retorno de los Templarious" because it is just so damn boring. So boring!
There were truly no redeeming qualities to the movie. The acting is atrocious, apart from Eloise McNought who played as Miranda and the only one who was genuinely trying. She wasn't good but at least she was trying, which is more than what could be said about the other cast or crew. The effects were as awful as they could be, and the actual scenes of carnage themselves were executed in a manner of someone who is making a movie for the first time. Those are two of the big problems the movie has, but it suffers from about every technical problem there is with a basement production. Everything from bad camera work to horrendous sound.
Then there was the story and the pacing. Oh lordy loo, where to begin with this…The one thing I cannot understand is how these low-budget movies manage to make, more often than not, simple premises so unbelievably convoluted. Christ, it's a movie about zombies killing people. That's it! Yet the movie is jumbled and nonsensical. I mean hell, there were far more movies than just the "Blind Dead" series about a cult-ish group of people dying in ye-olden times and then coming back as the living dead in modern times. So the inspiration was out there but somehow "El Retorno de los Templarious" managed to make the concept insanely dull. For some reason there is a pointless sub-plot of Miranda's father trying to have sex with his daughter -- while her mother is in the same room, yet somehow doesn't know what's going on. It was suppose to be the reason Miranda's insanity, even though there was no reason for the character to be like that. It has no relation to Miranda and the Templar-zombie plot, but yet a great deal of time is wasted on this supposed character development.
There's not even a climax or resolution -- at least not one that makes sense -- and there's no reason to the story or the characters. It's just: people, zombies, end credits. Nothing else. Actually, you want to know how the movie ends? Miranda runs away. That's it. And no, I'm not kidding. Miranda runs away, and the movie ends. Who ends a movie like that?!
Watching "El Retorno de los Templarious" is the equivalent of watching a German splatter movie but with out the gore. Oh, sure, we get to have scenes of Miranda's father trying to rape her, but god forbid we have scenes that attempt to make sense out of why the Templars have returned or anything else that goes on in "El Retorno de los Templarious".
I won't bother going into details of the "movie's" perpetual and creepy obsession of getting upskirt shots of the actresses in just about every single scene. I certainly felt like a goddamn skeez sitting there and watching it.
I'm probably being overly grumpy with my reaction to "El Retorno de los Templarious" but there's just no redeeming qualities with it. The movie is completely awful. It's been awhile since I had watched a movie where it felt like I had honestly wasted my time on it. My time and money, to be exact. Saying "El Retorno de los Templarious" is like a German splatter movie but without the gore is the best way to properly describe the movie. It might have been tolerable on a "Violent Shit" or "Burning Moon" level had it focused on putting something in the movie that was entertaining. Instead it was an amateurish attempt at making a "Blind Dead" -esque movie that went terribly, terribly wrong in every way possible.