Plot:
Jake's a security guard at a large storage facility. Inside of the facility, his colleagues are running are stearing up an human organ trafficking deal behind his back. When Jake let's his friends party over at his work place, the colleagues know where to look for organs for their latest big deal.
Our thoughts:
Does it make me a bad supporter of horror movies if I look and read about certain movies and already know I will hate them? Or does it make me a bad reviewer because of it? That might be the case. But you know what, I am okay with that. This site isn't a professional review site, it's just two dude's opinions. We're shamelessly rude people with mediocre talent, but for some reason certain people care to hear what we have to say. My non-professional mind told me from the beginning that "Self Storage" would be a waste of my time, but I was okay with proving it wrong so I gave it a chance. I should have trusted my instincts.
A high-security storage facility with security guards is about to be the location of a party. One of the security guards, Jake, wanted to help his friends out and so he let them use the area for the party. What Jake doesn't know is that his colleagues are part of organ trafficking. A violent kind, where they make sure to get all the body parts themselves. After Jake messes up their latest batch by accident, and the buyers need them by the morning, they decide that Jake's friends will step in and help out. You know, by being killed and used for body parts.
I don't think the movie has a bad set-up. Though it's extremely bland and mediocre idea, movies like this can serve a purpose. But not when they're so full of shit as "Self Storage" is. Rarely have I been as annoyed by random shit being dragged out. Long sequences of people dancing around or doing whatever, with terrible music on top of it (and stupid hip movements), is essentially what the first act of this movie consists of. We don't get a second to care for anyone in the movie before it's all too late.
It doesn't help when the dialog is so horribly forced to be cool that you wonder if the filmmaker, Tom DeNucci, has ever met a person before. The filmmaker plays the lead as well and his character is actually not as annoyingly "cool" as the rest. What I make of that is that Tom DeNucci made all the other characters dumber so that people would like him, no matter how ludicrous that sounds to say. Except he ends up coming off as a cheesy stereotype character which I had no sympathy for, so it all failed. Michael Berryman come off as stale and boring in this movie, while the actually good actor Eric Roberts is dragged down by horrible direction and stereotype writing.
The movie isn't gory or intense enough to make all of the stupid shit worth getting through. The violent scenes are kinda forgotten once you see or hear the actors again. There's some so-so effects, one of cutting open a knee (very easily, mind you) that was a bit gory, but nothing will stand out. There are worse things in the movie than the effects though, I'll give it that.
I might be harsh to "Self Storage", but it's terrible. It's not bringing anything to the table. We've gone through so many shitty films that when something like "Self Storage" drops in my lap I have no interest in sugar coating it. You need to stay away from it, that's the one thing we can do as a horror movie fans. One can hope that Tom DeNucci will learn and give us something better in the future, I have seen it happen to the worst of filmmakers, but I will be wary of the next one I see. |
