Title: Skin Eating Jungle Vampires

Also known as:
N/A

Year: 2001

Genre: Sexploitation

Language: English

Runtime: 80 min

Director: Timothy Green Beckley

Writer: Tim Swartz

IMDb: N/A

Plot:
Carla heads into the jungles of Costa Rica to find her sister Tiffany but what she finds is a race of lesbian vampire alien women who plan to feast on and eat out both sisters.

Our thoughts:
It's shit.

Nothing else, just shit.

What? ...What do you mean I have to write a real review? Have you seen "Skin Eating Jungle Vampires"? ...I know you haven't, it was a rhetorical question. If you had seen the movie then you would know saying, "it's shit" more than qualifies as a review for it...You know what, fine, I'll write a "real review" just get off my back.

Alright, here's the low down: That plot description I wrote up at the top is suppose to be what "Skin Eating Jungle Vampires" is about. What it's really about is nothing, and I don't mean that in some avant-garde bold political statement sort of way. Nothing more than a series of random scenes of nudity and stupidity without a coherent thought or idea in sight. Supposedly an intentional bad movie and parody of skin flicks and 50's style sci-fi/horror movies, but what it amounts to being is a fucking stupid waste of 80 minutes. There is nothing funny, nothing clever, nothing remotely resembling talent or intelligence in this aborted abomination bastard of a backyard movie. It aims to be "intentionally bad" but what it really is, is a bad movie. Wait, no. Saying its 'bad' doesn't nearly do it justice. It's a horrendous pile of dog shit that at its best is bad.

I certainly wasn't expecting anything good from this movie, especially since Chemical Burn sent it to me. Not to mention I have made a career out of watching bad movies. I have seen movies that were so bad the people behind them wiped the movies from existence out of embarrassment. All of that pales in comparison to "Skin Eating Jungle Vampires" - I cannot believe this was actually released to the general public. I especially cannot believe that it was released to the general public with a suggested retail price of $19.95.

Well, you're just writing a harsh "review" (I'd hardly call this a review!) trying to be funny and needlessly bashing a movie in process.

No I'm not, actually. I would embrace a Factory 2000 movie with open arms before I would say one nice thing about "Skin Eating Jungle Vampires". It was a piece of shit and that was pretty much what I expected from it but what I didn't expect from it, was just how shitty it actually was. I could accept its unmitigated awfulness if it wasn't for the fact that the movie is actually being released and someone is expecting people to pay for it. There are tons of unreleased movies that are lost in the VHS wasteland that deserve to be released, but instead of getting those, we get "Skin Eating Jungle Vampires". Why? Because it has a couple naked women in rubbing strawberry jam on each other? Because that's about the only thing you'll get. The movie is so unbelievably stupid that even someone suffering from a mental-handicap would scream, "This is retarded!" Just because they too couldn't believe that someone actually thought they were being clever with this unimaginative nightmare of crap.

God help me, this is the type of movie that makes you run out of your home and start punching babies and small children in the face while you fill the air with your primal-chaotic screams. The only words that would be understood coming out of your frothy mouth of madness would be the director's name followed by a string of obscenities. Why children, you may ask. Because kids can't punch back - just because you're pissed doesn't mean you're stupid. Honestly, I do not purposely go out of my way to be this ridiculous and mean about a movie. But at the end of the day, fuck this movie.


Positive things:
- Ha! Yeah right.
Negative things:
- It exists.

Rating:
Gore: 0/5
Nudity: 2/5
Story: 1/5
Effects: 0.5/5
Comedy: 0/5

We got this movie from:
Chemical Burn Entertainment

It can be bought from:
Chemical Burn Entertainment

Reviewed by:
Preston




 

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