A zombie apocalypse breaks out just as a man is planning a romantic marriage proposal on a biking trail.
It's not uncommon to find movies that just feel a tad too long. It could be a specific scene that bothers the flow of the movie, or perhaps just some cuts spread out to quickening it up a bit. But "Trail of Blood on the Trail" feels like a one of a kind in that I'd prefer if most of the movie was cut. And there goes possibly one the rudest comments I have made about a movie (okay, it's not), but it is one of the first thoughts that popped into my head once it was over. Now, it is hard for a reviewer to be hard on a movie when you know the filmmakers have put their all into something (especially if they haven't done much before). But running a website like Film Bizarro is more about warning our readers about movies that will waste their time, rather than please the filmmaker, so here goes...
For whatever reason, a man thought it would be a good idea to propose to his girlfriend on a biking trail, with the help of a clown. On their way to the spot it was supposed to happen (a tunnel), the entire trail is overrun by zombies - and this includes the poor clown. Now you might wonder how this odd plot will develop, right? It doesn't develop at all. The movie has a premise and it does absolutely nothing more with it. I'm hesitant to even say there is something that you could expand upon. The story is absolutely ridiculous and is only there so that they can show a trail, a tunnel, zombies and people attacked by them. When I say that most of the movie should have been cut, I don't mean that as in "this movie is 20 minutes too long". I mean that this 80 minute movie is literally 75 minutes too long. You could fit everything essential into 5 minutes, and perhaps then you'd excuse the movie for not having enough going on.
If I ever question my harsh opinion, I just remember that this movie has a scene where our leads walk into a tunnel and they walk for 4 on-screen minutes until they reach the middle of the tunnel. The middle. Later on it takes the guy nearly 2 minutes to run out of the tunnel. Luckily we don't have to follow him for all of that time, but there are some horrible cuts that show the end of the tunnel going from close to distant several times. The fact that we have a movie that has at least 6 minutes of walking/running into/out of a tunnel (it is probably more along the lines of 10-15 minutes if you count every time they are chased by zombies) with nothing else going on just shows a lack of respect for the viewer, and horrible editing. I know that cutting your favorite bits can be hard, but I doubt 4 minutes of walking in darkness is anyone's favorite. Not to mention some very sporadic uses of film scratch filters. Apparently when you look at zombies in a tunnel in certain angles you desperately need film scratches!
The first 30 minutes of the movie takes place on the trail, with one of the following happening: the couple are riding their bikes while throwing comments that fail to be witty against each other, or random people are attacked by zombies. Over and over again for 30 minutes. The next 30 minutes take place in the tunnel. You'd think this would be the perfect place to develop some kind of a plot, but you can forget about that. The last 20 minutes were essentially the filmmakers kicking my balls repeatedly because I was certain that the movie was over when our lead leaves the tunnel. So, yeah.. I don't think that my review is too harsh. When I realised the movie wasn't over, I started to humor myself with the idea of the movie running for 3 hours with no more plot development than the basic premise.
There is something positive I can say about "Trail of Blood on the Trail". It is actually not that poorly shot. Or I should say that the camera isn't too bad, if that's even a compliment to them as much as the camera manufacturer. The movie itself is certainly horrible, but it's easier to watch a movie that looks somewhat decent than it is to watch a pixelated mess.
Make no mistake, this movie is not entertaining in the least, but despite that, "Trail of Blood on the Trail" attempts to be funny a lot. It tries harder to be funny than it tries to have a plot (that's not saying much). The jokes unfortunately fall flat every single time, followed by a sigh from me. The kind of comedic brilliance you get in this movie can be summed up by the annoying title of the movie. Do you think that whoever came up with "Trail of Blood on the Trail" will entertain you for 80 minutes?
Oh, that's right, this is a zombie movie.. Well, there are several zombies, but mostly we see the same handful over and over again. There is nothing to say about the zombies, because they're just there. It could just as well have been an ankle accident as a zombie apocalypse, despite people dying. It just doesn't matter much since, again, there is no real plot to speak of. The zombie make-up and gore effects go from okay to bad, but out of all the things that bother me in the movie, the zombies are the least harmful.
Combine everything I have told you about the movie and you get one of the worst movies I have seen this year. No, this is not the most poorly made movie, or even the least competent (it actually has potential at times). But the movie does absolutely nothing from start to finish. Two things happen: people walk into a tunnel, and people walk out of the tunnel. I don't exaggerate when I say that the movie should have been no more than 5 minutes long.